TOP FILMS OF 2024

Time to call “cut” on 2024! I could do without a sequel for this one, but as somebody once said, life’s like a schlocky movie–even if you wouldn’t watch it again, no sense walking out in the middle. And as far as films themselves go, I saw plenty this year that gave me a fine occasion to kick back, lock in, and enter a world more dramatic, ecstatic, or kick-ass than the daily grind (plus, can’t beat theater popcorn butter!). I didn’t manage to catch some folks’ favorite pictures, like Anora or A Different Man, but among those I did, these are…. my Top Ten Films of 2024.

How long can one man look the same and play the same character? Every action star must confront the question, but for my ticket stub, Jason Statham is so far so good. Which brings us to The Beekeeper, written by Kurt “we have The Wachowskis at home” Wimmer and directed by David “Suicide Squad could’ve been great bro” Ayer, a thinly sketched yet enthralling honey of a B-movie. True, the lore of our titular badass isn’t confusing so much as unfinished, presupposing audience familiarity with “secret assassin underworld” franchises like John Wick in lieu of actually developing its premise. However, with his trademark sneer and pugilist’s build, Statham shoots, slices, and immolates his way through a cadre of Saturday morning cartoon-tier villains in fight scenes that left me buzzing with excitement. Phone scammers, crypto bros, PMCs—make up a guy to get mad at, and “Adam Clay” is here to put them down. The brawls are good, but the sets are no slouch either, from neon-drenched call centers to yellow and/or grid-like environs which slyly symbolize the societal “hive” our hero seeks to protect. There’s plenty of memorable nemeses too, both colorful (a colleague with a minigun; a merc with a prosthetic leg) and subdued (Josh Hutcherson as a twisted tech mogul; the Jeremy Irons). Wimmer’s script has a lot of glib “wait, what’d they just say?” dialogue, but it balances comedy and violence well, while still raising genuine awareness of elder abuse and cybercrime. Who knows if this’ll get a sequel, but if it does, I’ll bee there!

For a while there, it felt like Tim Burton forgot how to direct a clever, colorful horror-comedy, but he’s got the juice again. As legacyquels go, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice checks all the boxes: a prior protagonist’s descendant in a similar pickle, copious lampshading for absent major characters, and elevating its predecessor’s events to the realm of myth. Fortunately, all the players are game: Jenna Ortega is at her most adorkable, Winona Ryder’s Lydia Deetz remains a goth girl crush for the ages, with Catherine O’Hara as her mother still a blowhard artiste, and Willem Dafoe makes his long-overdue Burton debut as an undead cop. And at the risk of saying his name too frequently, Michael Keaton doesn’t disappoint: the actor may be over 70, but he disappears back into the title role with horny, gruesome, one-liner-addicted aplomb. The plot’s a bit hit-and-miss, if not in service of the anarchic mood then at least as an apparent result of overcooking this script for the last three decades. Monica Belluci, Franken-babe though she may be, gets little to do, while Oretega juggles subplots with both a charming boy and the loss of her father, neither of which resolve with much fanfare. Fortunately, there’s more great comedy—and music!—to pick up the slack, from a cover of “MacArthur Park” to a “Soul Train” which dives headlong into the obvious pun. Makeup and production design throughout are wonderful; I delighted especially in mixed-media flashbacks like a claymation plane crash and a black-and-white Italian interlude, as well as the darkly funny image of a house covered in a mourning shroud. Yeah, the logic of the afterlife makes no sense, but why should it? Being along for the ride was still a spooky good time.

Action flicks were in fine form indeed this year, but unlike The Beekeeper, it didn’t take a veteran heavy to carry ‘em all. Case in point: Monkey Man, a brutal yet pensive, politically charged thriller starring former Slumdog Millionaire/Chappie sidekick Dev Patel. In presenting a downtrodden man who shoots, stabs, and car-chases his way through the criminals that’ve wronged him, the clearest point of comparison for Patel’s directorial debut is again John Wick—yet in all the best ways, this vengeful simian couldn’t be further from Keanu’s iconic hitter. Our hero doesn’t have street cred, gold coins, or even more than one gun—he’s an orphan from the slums, living a dual life as a bare-knuckle brawler and a waiter at an “elite” club. He’s a man on a mission, yet in making that mission not just vengeance but also justice for groups marginalized by right-wingers, Monkey Man steps out of its bloodbath with a moral resonance greater than its contemporaries. Most fights feel a little cramped, but there’s still enough head-spinning camerawork and choreography to make each appropriately frantic. It all builds to a climax among 2024’s best, where Patel literally lights up goons with fireworks before going to town with a dinner knife. An exciting score and soundtrack top it all off, from bumpin’ rap beats to a humble drummer who sets the pace during a training montage. It’s not perfect—tragic-backstory flashbacks get a touch samey, for one—but Patel still made a picture which both honors and confronts Indian culture while leaving room for red-blooded martial arts mayhem. Whether he doubles down on his badass potential or sticks with dramas, I can’t wait to see what Dev-elopments are next.

Between COVID burning their threequel’s box office and Will Smith’s post-Slap spiral, I was worried we might never see Miami’s finest again. Much to my delight, however, this year brought us Bad Boys: Ride or Die, an irresponsible, silly, yet relentlessly thrilling buddy-action flick! Mononymous duo Adil & Bilall return for another commendable homage to Aughts Michael Bay: fast cars, neon colors, beautiful women, and absurd beatdowns, just the way I like it. High-contrast Florida remains a dazzling stage, which the directors pepper with kinetic flourishes like drone shots, POV shootouts, and—surprisingly—a couple fantasy sequences. From its tropical sets to stars old enough to be my dad kicking extrajudicial ass in the name of family, and even a BBQ outro, one could write this off as Fast & Furious Lite—but Vin Diesel wishes he had half the charm Smith’s still rocking, while an R rating lets shootouts and dialogue get that much more audacious. Some of the junior “AMMO” squad is still here, but no matter, for I rejoiced at moments like a prison transport crash evocative of Uncharted and the stepson ascending from meek punchline to stone-cold killer when his home is set upon by goons. The only major flaw is, unfortunately, a load-bearing one carried over from its predecessor: the dude playing Mike’s son is a vacuous walking plot device. Look past that, the tired callbacks, and the enthusiastic copaganda, though, and you’ve still got an energetic, hilarious, and skillful return to form for the Bad Boys!

2021’s Dune ensnared the senses with director Denis Villeneuve’s new take on the oft-maladapted sci-fi novel, the first of a quiet duology. With such a strong introduction, then, perhaps it was inevitable for the follow-up to feel like a downgrade. Aside from a few cutaways to greener environs and a monochrome gladiatorial match—the standout sequence—this film is brought to you by the colors brown and gray, and I found myself intermittently confused about who was where, why, how, and for how long. Meanwhile, Hans Zimmer’s score is more often loud than memorable, while dialogue oscillates between portentous muttering and melodramatic hollering. That said, I came to Dune: Part II for that which made its predecessor, and on which it delivered in spades: spectacle. Costume and set design continue to run circles around every other major franchise, the CGI is believable and engrossing, action sequences are captivating, and we’ve got another batch of sexy weirdos with all kinds of drama: Léa Seydoux as a Bene Gesserit talent scout, Florence Pugh as a fretful royal, and Austin Butler as the baldest lunatic yet. Meanwhile, I don’t think it’s even a question that Christopher Walken got cast because of the “Weapon of Choice” video, but dang is it good to see the man back in a blockbuster as… well, the Emperor of the Universe! Yeah, when Timothée Chalamet starts putting the moves on Zendaya and yelling about ruling the planet, it doesn’t do anti-colonial critiques of the story any favors—especially with yet another cliffhanger ending. But whether it’s freedom fighters blowing up Harkonnen tech, Paul riding a sandworm for the first time, or just eye contact with Rebecca Ferguson in general, I lost track of how many times I had to fight back the urge to pump my fist in the air like a concertgoer. It’s kinda repetitive, it’s confusing, it’s three hours long, and one of the characters is a psychic fetus… but hey, when I go to see a picture shot in IMAX, it’s not for the safe and simple.

Love Lies Bleeding is a dark, delirious, and outrageously sapphic crime thriller. In pivoting from slow-burn scares to turn-of-the-90s New Mexico, Rose Glass branches out from her prior effort Saint Maud, and yet the director’s style remains omnipresent, from bursts of gnarly gore to a climax which glides on the razor’s edge between magical realism and dream sequence. The cast, while small, looms large—literally, in the case of Katy O’Brian as “Jackie,” a bisexual bodybuilder with few qualms about either ‘roids or premeditated murder. Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart plays another horny little dweeb to perfection, Dave Franco is gone not a moment too soon as an abusive husband, and Ed Harris delivers another great villain performance as a mob boss with a thing for big bugs. The score is my choice mix of period-appropriate licensed tracks and an unsettling score (the talented Clint Mansell), while sound design is replete with all manner of pops and squelches for physical acts both brutal and intimate. Sets are varied and immersive, with a borderline bottomless pit in the desert being the standout, all the more so when rendered in blood-red flashbacks. Like many films under the A24 shingle, Love Lies Bleeding is a heady mix of horror, eroticism, abrupt violence, and odd fantasy—admittedly, it sometimes feels like Glass is working backwards towards those bullet points at the expense of coherence or pacing. However familiar its broad strokes may be, though, this is the kind of sleek, provocative, adults-only mid-budget picture that I’m elated to see regain prominence in theaters!

From Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to Freaky Friday, there’s a long tradition of tales where an aspirational body-swap goes bad. The latest to take a crack at it is writer-director Coralie Fargeat with The Substance, a grisly yet glitzy Hollywood horror story and the rare feminist fable that delights in buckets of gross-out practical effects! Dreams and dreamlike imagery sew long shots of Kubrickian corridors to hyperactive edits across a radiant L.A. which highlight the growing divide between our dual protagonists: Demi Moore as faded starlet “Elisabeth Sparkle” and a rarely clothed Margaret Qualley as the sensuous “Sue” birthed from her spine. When the rules of the titular injection are established early on, it’s easy to predict the tragedy to come, but one can’t be prepared for just how absurdly and grotesquely it plays out. I’m torn on the script, to that end; a lot of names are generic enough to feel like placeholders (a talk show called “The Show”), supporting performances are downright cartoonish (Dennis Quaid as a studio head/avatar of toxic masculinity), and Fargeat situates viewers in a world that’d seem to be present day yet a sexy fitness TV show is somehow a ticket to the A-List. Dated in spots or not, though, The Substance is overwhelmingly fresh: energetic, vicious, and righteously angry. It’s the progressive mashup of Resident Evil and The Nutty Professor that I never knew I needed!

If I don’t have as much to say about writer-director-producer Sean Wang’s Dìdi despite its height on this list, maybe it’s just because I feel like I already lived it myself—the highs, the lows, and everything in-between. Late-Aughts coming-of-age pieces are finally here, and so am I for it! I may not have grown up in California or an Asian-American household, but while those elements are certainly core to the story of Dìdi, so too are the idiosyncrasies of being a teenage boy in 2008: causal homophobia among friends, skater culture, a whole Warped Tour’s worth of needle drops, and finding out the girl you’ve been DM’ing with isn’t all you hoped. The drama is grounded—conventional, even, but no less impactful for it—and like Everything Everywhere All at Once, deals in themes of intergenerational strife, regret, and the occasional comically surreal interlude, while still ending on a note of wistful hope. Props for Motion City Soundtrack dusting themselves off for that new single, too!

Alex Garland’s work has always compelled me, even if I don’t necessary “get” it: Men was more like Meh, but scenes in the eldritch Annihilation haunt me to date, while Devs is a crazy-underrated series in conversation with his Ex Machina about how far is too far when it comes to technological leaps. Civil War is the director’s masterstroke: a harrowing dystopian vision that’s not quite fantasy, not technically alternate history, and not even really a war picture, yet packed with all of the rich worldbuilding, biting commentary, and indelible imagery that make great speculative fiction. Following a troupe of photojournalists in near-future America as they journey from NYC to DC to interview a dictatorial President, the writer-director keeps one foot firmly in his horror roots with scenes that are, to put it bluntly, really fucked up: a man torturing an old classmate in a carwash; bodies hanging from an overpass next to “GO STEELERS” graffiti; snipers firing at someone they can’t see or hear until no one’s firing back. It’s all as subtle as a bullet to the head, but the film isn’t about Left versus Right, as it’s never made concrete why this war started and who’s even fighting for what. One could call it playing coy to not alienate audiences, but it’s all in keeping with the premise: our protagonists don’t care—can’t care, lest they lose their jobs and their minds—so neither shall the audience. Whether it’s a rifle or a camera, Kirsten Dunst as a weathered photographer or Jesse Plemons as a bone-chillingly inquisitive white nationalist, all anyone can do is point and shoot. Another film might focus on a civilian or soldier, drop a voiceover about the titular conflict, but Garland goes instead for a road trip of haunting vignettes set across a bombed-out East Coast. The cinematography, editing, and command of tension are stellar, presenting both chaotic shootouts and abandoned outdoor spaces complemented by sound design which careens between dead silence, ear-splitting gunfire, and atonal pop songs. Only time (or at least the next four years) will tell how well Civil War ages, but here in 2024, its portrait of a divided nation rang out like a gunshot.

I don’t think anybody is what they want to be. Dissatisfaction is human, consciousness cursing us with the phantom pain of what could be or have been—and from it, a drive to either keep fighting or, if we’ve no one in our corner, collapse in agony. For some, however, that sense of being trapped is more literal. It’s in this limbo that I Saw the TV Glow sets its stage, and in so doing, writer-director Jane Schoenbrun presents the rare film which is horrifying and hopeful at the same time. It’s a story about stories, but not in a metafictional or self-satisfied way like many scripts; rather, it’s about the power of media to allow oneself to embrace their true identity. The queer subtext is unmistakable, but Schoenbrun speaks to anyone of their generation—Millennials and the otherwise VHS-adjacent—who’s ever wanted to be somewhere else, whether that’s another body or just another town. Scenes alternate between solemn dialogue and hypnogogic terror, while the soundtrack runs a flawless gamut of alt-rock and eerie ambiance, plus a heart-rending title theme. From fourth-wall breaks to interludes in a totally 90s supernatural TV show, The Pink Opaque, Justice Smith captivates as a teen struggling with a dysfunctional family (including Fred Durst, presaging his appearance in the far weaker Y2K) and social anxiety who stumbles into a tumultuous friendship with Brigette Lundy-Paine (whose climatic monologue should, in a just world, net an Oscar). It’s tempting to wonder if The Pink Opaque conspiracies which Lundy-Paine’s troubled fangirl spins are real, but as a bubble-bursting final act concedes, the feelings such media can stir matter more than any lore-ready singular “truth.” If things don’t make sense, if there’s no satisfying ending, if you go to bed full of regret and fear… just get up in the morning and keep searching. It’s okay. There’s still time.

TOP GAMES OF 2024

And with that, 2024 comes to a close. Not a moment too soon, many may argue, and understandably so! Wherever you live, whatever you do for a living, it often felt like there wasn’t much to get excited about, to say nothing of 2025 creeping around the bend. But with that New Year comes an occasion for hindsight, and with rose-tinted glasses equipped, I found there was actually an abundance of great games which dropped over those 366 days. I didn’t have a chance to make my way through some folks’ favorite titles, like Metaphor: ReFantazio or FFVII Rebirth, but among those I did, a select set stood out as especially exciting, addictive, or otherwise unforgettable. These are…. my Top Ten Games of 2024.

If you were to program an interactive museum of everything broken about American pop culture—obscene production budgets, gambling disguised as loot boxes, stories whose moral starts at “might” and ends at “makes right”—it’d look like Call of Duty. Having long since mutated from mere shooter franchise to something like a jingoistic Fortnite, I conscientiously objected to the last couple CODs, if not for their ethics then just for what a hassle it is to dig any given story mode out from beneath layers of launcher menus and juvenile DLC promos. But then a certain subseries reemerged from the shadows—with an unprecedented same-day Game Pass drop, no less. I don’t do multiplayer or Zombies, but for however brief a time, the campaign for Call of Duty: Black Ops 6 was my guilty pleasure of the year. The lifelike graphics, the taut controls for a suite of combat options, the reckless delirium of positioning serious real-world events alongside tinfoil-hatted sci-fi, the globetrotting level design with setpieces to rival Naughty Dog… like it or not, this is what gaming looks and plays like when the resources of the U.S. military and Activision-Blizzard combine. I wouldn’t call it art, and it’s got nothing to say about politics that might interfere with selling Nicki Minaj costumes, but if you like action media, period, then you owe it to yourself to go dark and accept this mission.

On paper (a stained note lying in an abandoned diner, one must imagine), Silent Hill 2 2024 was going to be a disaster: a remake of one of the most acclaimed titles ever, published by the company that canned a new entry to focus on pachinko and developed by a studio known for tacky rip-offs? Purists indeed scoffed, dismissing the result as too conventional, too fixated on aggro gross-out moments in lieu of the source material’s subtler, more evocative torment. I sympathize with such critiques, and yet it’s been a while since I played a horror game which had me so glued to the red-drenched screen. Calling upon the camera and graphical overhauls by which Capcom modernized Resident Evil 2 through 4, Bloober Team breathe new afterlife into the misty burg while still retaining the pathos and surrealness which distinguished the 2001 original. Combat is responsive yet appropriately haphazard, riddles are tricky yet intelligible, and while I’ve never been all in on Akira Yamaoka’s rock-meets-ambient score, the music remains a nightmarish feast for the ears. There’s just enough familiar to revel in its retooling, and just enough new to keep you on your toes. In my restless dreams, I still see… well, usually me forgetting some nonexistent task at work, but the mystery and metaphorical monsters of that town remain ever-haunting.

I studied Japanese for a year in college, after which I had to stop when my GPA couldn’t withstand fumbling through a new language. In so doing, I reached a point where I could look at some words and, thanks to the symbolic nature of certain kanji, understand what they meant even if I couldn’t understand what they said. In a way, I feel the same about INDIKA: I think I know what this game is about, but I’ll be damned if I can explain what happens in it. The story of an Orthodox nun booted from her convent to journey across a wartime snowscape, INDIKA whorls walking sim, retro platformer, and horror-puzzler into an experience that’s brief, bizarre, and mature in the truest sense. Grotesque impossibilities, like a factory line of whale-sized fish or our heroine praying to literally fix the world while Satan bullies her, pass by with nonchalance between sober dialogues about faith and human frailty. With an openly irrelevant “points” system and Adult Swim-style asides like a little dancing guy emerging from someone’s mouth, INDIKA’s tone is as inconsistent as its gameplay… but for the few hours it took to complete, I was a believer in its sermons.

If there’s two genres I don’t care for, it’s deck-builders and roguelikes: I don’t like installing software only to pretend to move paper around, and I don’t like banging my head against a wall of randomized assets instead of traveling through a bespoke, immersive world. Consider me shocked, then—even after a whole casino’s worth of outlets heaped awards upon it—that this next entry captivated me so much, so fast, with just days left in the year. “Poker meets solitaire” may be the superficial pitch, but Balatro pulls so many tricks that a physical deck just couldn’t: in addition to your standard 52, there’s the multiplying effects of Tarot cards, Planet cards, Spectral cards, Vouchers, snazzy variants like foil and gold cards, and a whole DC Multiverse worth of Jokers, all in service of one goal: lay down the best hand possible, cash out, and then ante up. Add in a catchy main theme, nostalgic CRT-style visuals, and sound design that eggs you on like a slot machine for just one more run, and you’ve got a game that draws a line from millennia-old gambling to contemporary mobile titles, all without a single microtransaction. It may be more about serotonin than storytelling, but when the chips are down, I’m just straight flush with praise for this one.

The Metroidvania: Obtuse name notwithstanding, it’s among the most prolific of indie subgenres, where smaller studios can do a lot with a little by focusing on labyrinthine side-scrolling in lieu of photorealism. It takes pizzazz to stand out in the scene, then, but solo dev Billy Basso made a name for himself and YouTube goof Dunkey’s new publisher Bigmode this year with Animal Well. With vintage art design enlivened by dazzling lighting effects, and both literal and figurative hidden depths, Animal Well foregoes spectacle in favor of mystery and quiet revelation. Every room is either a captivating fork in the road or a chamber to be cleared by your growing arsenal of endearing tools, from a frisbee to a bouncy ball. As nods to classics like Startropics and Super Mario Bros. 2 acknowledge, Basso knows that color and wonder made the 2D era great, but unlike in the ‘90s, uniting with other players to crack every secret is far more feasible! Can’t say I’m keen to hop on a Discord to literally piece together certain Easter eggs, but the added appeal to community is just one more reason why Animal Well is, well, great.

Granted, The Legend of Link doesn’t have the same ring to it, but isn’t it weird how few games set in Hyrule let you play as the character whose name is on the cover? That was until 2024, when Nintendo—fresh off of taking six years to release a Breath of the Wild expansion pack—put out The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom! Combining the toylike style of 2019’s Link’s Awakening remake with the anything-goes summoning powers of that last installment, Echoes of Wisdom places players in the shoes of the Princess herself, who must set out with a tiny sidekick to quell the supernatural blight which has ensnared the Hero of Time and much of her land along with him. Per usual, most people and places are remixes of somewhere else in The Timeline, but combining the layout of classic Zelda with modern open-world features like fast travel and mission markers makes this iteration of the kingdom a joy to venture through. The summons menu can be a hassle to navigate, but the sheer number of ways to tackle each puzzle is a marvel of design, and means every player will have a unique journey (me, I often relied on either a staircase of beds or projectile armadillo). I’ve got great expectations for Nintendo’s next full-3D Zelda, but in the meantime, offering this cozy, creative throwback entry was a wise decision.

The Plucky Squire is just plain cute. Many have dabbled in mashing up genres and graphical styles before, but developer All Possible Futures lived up to their name in this debut, where the stars of a children’s book leap off the page after they discover their fictional nature—and the evil wizard who seeks to exploit it. In some levels, you’ll be watching top-down, swapping physical words and flipping pages to proceed like a combination of Baba is You and the home video scene from Spaceballs. In others, our hero will emerge into full 3D, hopping over stray pencils and books to trounce the foes who’ve invaded the bedroom of his biggest fan. In-between it all are hilarious minigames like a Punch-Out-esque boxing match with a badger, a rhythmic duel with a metalhead troll, and a shoot-em-up segment played out around the circumference of a plastic mug. The art design is a cheery delight, the humor is self-aware without ever growing tiresome, and the game never stops adding new, clever ways to interact with your surroundings. With Devolver Digital to rep for them, here’s hoping APF are plucked from obscurity and can produce many more wholesome adventures to come!

Yes, it’s a new game—if AAA slop like Concord can hit shelves as a standalone title only to expire faster than a prepackaged salad, then dozens of hours of engrossing new world design, lore, and battles aren’t disqualified just because they’re behind a “you must git this gud to pass” gate in their predecessor. With that out of the way, Shadow of the Erdtree is FromSoftware’s greatest follow-up content ever, literally filling huge gaps in Elden Ring by transporting Tarnished to a realm hitherto obscured, where the seeds of conflict that’d doom the Lands Between were sewn. A new leveling system centered on scattered collectibles caused some diehards to fuss, but I never minded, because as with my Top Game of 2022 on which it expands, Shadow of the Erdtree isn’t just about dying twenty times to some mournful, mutated madman—it’s about exploration, improvisation, and jolly cooperation. A coastline glittering with neon-blue flowers, an abyss clotted with giant coffins shaped like ships, the Blair Witch-grade horror of stumbling upon an abandoned mansion in the woods… every area competes with every other area as one of the most memorable in not just this game but in any game. Even if I gave up on beating Promised Consort Radahn (though we’ll see about that nerfed version), I adored the dozens more hours I sunk into setting out, sword in hand, to see what treasure or terror awaited over the crest of that hill or at the bottom of that chasm. Now more than ever, Elden Ring is just one of the greatest pieces of fantasy media ever.

In the centuries since it was penned, Chinese novel Journey to the West has inspired innumerable epics, from Dragon Ball Z to at least one Andy Serkis side gig—even if Westerners themselves may not know it by name. Latest among these adaptions was Black Myth: Wukong, the long-brewing sophomore effort of developer Game Science, which transforms the tale into a gorgeous, high-energy Soulslike. As one does, you’ll be planning a path through gauntlets of foes and tweaking loadouts at the last rest stop after getting bodied by another relentless boss, but far from the measured, stoic brawls which define peers like Elden Ring, Wukong’s simian star yelps, swerves, and unleashes magical beatdowns with the stylish, rapid-fire brutality of Kratos or Dante. The outlandish bosses are massive in size and quantity, yet with so many alternate routes and equipment caches in even the most linear of levels, rare is a moment of boredom or despair. It’s a nice change of pace, too, from the bevy of medieval England or Feudal Japan-inspired action games for one steeped in another culture’s art and mythos… which you’ll then bash to bits with a flaming staff. As with Shadow of the Erdtree, I must confess I didn’t see credits, but no matter—Game Science has cracked the formula for a great cinematic action-RPG, and when the rumored sequel drops, I’m ready to go ape all over again.

Why are we here? Why are we even doing this? Not life in general, although I think we can all agree this year often raised the question. No, I mean gaming—what’s it all about? Escapism? Exploration? Strategy? The empathy afforded by embodying someone from another country, another species, another planet? Or is it just about… fun? Not the fleeting rush of spending funny money on a new emote or hat, nor the primal release of sending a bullet through a foreign-looking opponent, but the sustained, childlike joy of navigating an environment like the playgrounds of old: shiny, inviting, full of noise and obstacles but in a way that’s invigorating, never truly painful or discouraging. To that end, the PS5 stepped off its high horse of narrative-driven prestige in 2024, and by that metric, Astro Bot could be the most fun I’ve ever had with a game. Team Asobi taps into the console’s power like never before, honoring old-school platformers while also not letting a second pass without something to make the DualShock rumble, jingle, or veer in your hands. There’s always a cool trinket to uncover, always a grin-inducing gimmick to a given level that’ll make you eager to come back again—no trouble at all, given how fast everything loads and how beautiful everything looks. True, it’s also a parade of PlayStation IP that pats the brand on its back harder than a choking victim, but with as much as I’ve enjoyed Super Smash Bros. over the decades, I’d be a hypocrite to deduct points for self-congratulation. In fact, after experiencing so much awe and merriment in a single package, my bar for the next Mario game has been raised rocketship-high. It’s silly, thrilling, charming, challenging, and full of nods to us Millennials who’ve been gaming since the 1900s. When I turn on the TV and sit down on the couch, that’s what I’m here for. What about you?

My First Short Film: “INCOHERENT HEIGHTS”

This year, I made my first submission to the Tacoma Grand Cinema’s annual “253 Short Film Competition,” which entails entrants having three days to make a film no longer than 253 seconds and containing four common elements not revealed until those 72 hours commence! This time, the necessary pieces were:

1) A competition
2) The phrase “it’s time to roll”
3) Artificial intelligence
4) A tattoo

With that prompt in tow, I whipped up this cautionary tale of landlord-tenant law gone amuck in an automated near-future. While it didn’t take home any trophies, it was eligible for an audience-favorite award and did get a few noms! The true award, though, was what I got no matter what: a chance to truly say I had a movie screened at a theater. I had a ton of fun with it, and I look forward to doing similar projects in the future!

New, Admittedly Bleak Poem: “This Selfish Ink”

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Requiem for a Bic?

A catch-up follow-up to “Advice to My Past Self on Dating” here! This time, the subject is a little more modern. As I’ve eased out of college ways of thinking and into a “real job” in the “real world,” I’ve discovered the obstacles to creative discipline and inspiration aren’t just social media FOMO and videogames–there’s also wondering whether you’re wasting time that could be better spent benefiting others.

Increasingly, as I try to downsize in life and strip away distractions, I’ve been forced to confront that my biggest writer’s block is a fear that the whole endeavor is a waste of time. Why am I trying to write this story, I’ve found myself fretting–consciously or not–when I could be at the office catching up on that one project I’m behind on, or doing research to get better at my job and help more customers? Eventually, that stress compounds with building frustration about social anxiety and professional shortcomings and… well, let’s just say my brain is not a pleasant place to be most weeknights. One evening in particular, I was so frustrated with that feeling that I decided to sic it on itself, and pounded out 90% of this stream-of-consciousness in an underused notebook with a fitting (if not apocryphal) quote from another “White” author on the cover.

This is not who I am all of the time, but it’s who I am enough of the time that I wrote this. So forgive me, but I just had to spent an hour or two jotting down…

 

This Selfish Ink

This selfish ink, these words I pen,
could help another live again;
could pass a bill or write a check;
could lend a loan—one would expect
that with the prose which I can blend,
that every letter which I spend
should go instead to someone’s cause

far better than to simply pause
before a notebook every day
and while all my youth away
in tales and logs and verses long,
a horror short or sorry song.
So many need this language more
than stories shelved behind my door:
a tenant on the streets for rent;
a fraudster who should now repent;
a client of an errant smith;
I can’t help but compare, and if

this passion and my line of work
could spar, then with a nervous jerk
the former fades into a buzz
and latter stands, and that’s because

if I have hours just to dream,
when nothing’s real or as it seems,
then those are hours that I need
to prove that I can still succeed
in what I do to earn the nights
when I can dim the city lights
and act like someone gives a damn
for what I do and who I am—
but I can’t breathe inside my head
if doubt just bloats it out instead,
and all I have between my ears
are deadlines, doubt, and flushing fears.

This selfish ink, these words I pen,
could be the marks that do me in.
Yet I would rather rot by scars
dug deep in blackened ballpoint mars
than sore of back and burnt of brain
on every nine-to-five the same.
I’d rather write nothing at all
than everything upon a wall
that then compiles, mortared brick
into a stiff yet soft and sick
imprisonment of soul and sense.
But I will never be so dense

as to presume that I’m alone
in begging life to throw a bone,
escort me to a state of grace
where I don’t ever have to face
that, as it is, I’m here on earth
just chasing sparks of quiet mirth,
while fire burns my silent nerves
and slowly chars my spring of verve.

This selfish ink will live in rhyme—
that’s all I seem to have the time
to calculate without a care:
a vowel here, a line break there,
relenting to the nursery’s pull
when otherwise my mind is full
of all the guilt that I accrue
when debt of every promise due
comes calling for its common cents,
and so my gross incompetence
is advertised for all to see.
The weight of it is crushing me—

the most that I can do to lift
is grab a page and slowly sift
through figments, puns, and rules of three.

My undertreated ADD
is running dry as an excuse.
I’m praying that I have some use
except to aim my tired eyes
at crisscross T’s and dotted i’s,
or selfish ink’s just all I’ll be
when you come take what’s left of me.

New Poem: “Advice to My Past Self on Dating”

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Of two minds… and sides of the couch.

So I fell off the wagon with regular updates again, but there’s a good reason this time, I swear: I moved in March, and, uh… I don’t have a desk at my new place. Typing at the dinner or coffee table is taxing! …Okay, still pretty weak. Well, in any case, I did get a few more poems out in the interim on my phone, on a notepad, or cobbled together from scraps thereupon–and here’s the first.

I’ve heard it said that being embarrassed by your past self is a net positive, because it means you know you’ve improved since then. If that’s the case, then I gotta admit I live a pretty positive life nowadays. Adulting can be stressful as all get-out, but while professional woes are one thing, I was in a pretty bad place personally during undergrad (as even the back archives of this site can attest). After seven-odd years, time has given me a healthier, more measured perspective on a lot of things, but dating in particular. I’ve not done much more these days than then, truth be told, but when I look back on how I approached it before, I shake my head at the desperate yet idealistic attitude which which I regarded romance, whether the subject was actual or imagined.

Hence, I thought it’d be an interesting wish-fulfillment to imagine directly discussing the matter with my past self. I even went so far as to pull lines from the all-purpose “poetry scraps” document I’ve kept on my computer for a decade, and use stray verses I’d previously drafted as topics of criticism instead of wholly earnest sentiments. It’s a trite exercise, perhaps, but a cathartic one as always. Hopefully I’ll be able to imagine an all-new exchange with the self that types these very words in, say, 2025! But, until then, all I’ve got is just some…

Advice to My Past Self on Dating

 

So, how does this work?

Well, first, don’t be a jerk,
but also don’t fall headfirst to please.
Too many white knights think they’re dark knights—
if you try to ‘win’ her, you’re already losing.
Unrequited love, isn’t.
Elliptical eye contact can’t count as conversation
you’re entitled to exchange for her
free time.

Okay, so, kinda contradictory.
But let’s just say I wait,
play it cool.
Who’s even gonna come by by graduation,
or whenever I figure it out?

Plenty.
Heather won’t last forever,
but God, you’ll learn so much.
Maggie’ll make a fool of you—
could take the one-night stand, but I advise against it.
Madi evaporated, so don’t worry about her.
Stevi isn’t even a student, but you’ll still lurk
by her office, clammy fist clenched.
You’ll think you heard her lurid timbre, but it was just
a door closing to your back.
And there’s a girl in black
with a snub nose and gamer tats
that’ll grab your heart like a rollercoaster shoulderbar
until you tell her so.
And that’s just undergrad.

Oh.
I was afraid
of that. At least I get a chance.
But in the meantime, I still just feel so
low.

Well, there you go.
Your first mistake
will be thinking a girlfriend will solve all your problems.
There’s no motherly lovers out there,
no manic pixie painkillers that’ll act
a Madame Advil and
distract you from every ill at their own sole expense.
Lovers are people, too.
Gotta give to get.

Shit. Well, fine. But it’s been a few months, and
I can’t seem to fit in
enough to make anyone notice me.
For a progressive paradise, this town
feels so damn diametric.
Who said you can’t wear a dress shirt
and also support free love and disestablishmentarianism?
Someone must’ve
whispered it into a tape recorder,
placed it as a secret track on one of those pop punk albums
I always miss because some stoner stock-boy
placed it between Jazz and New Wave
where it doesn’t belong.

Just as well. Those songs will be your downfall
if you don’t watch yourself—mere minutes
stretched into years of getting left on Read,
Fueled By Ramen’s finest amplifying your anxiety
like a mic to a speaker,
parting pleasantries ringing in your memories.
You’re better off a contradiction, kid, trust me—
That’ll attract in due time,
more than screeching along to your iPod in shotgun
while she already wonders when dinner’ll end.

What, then, I should hide
how I feel?
Maybe you’re right.
I’ve lost more friends to love than hate,
so sue me if I choose to wait
to lay it all out on the line
like linen sheets—I’ll say I’m fine.

Nice couplets, but it’s
more than just bottling or blowing up.
Don’t go full incel just to say it
makes you feel better about getting turned down,
but then don’t be the starry-eyed puppy praying for table scraps.
You of all people should understand that balance, man.

But I can’t stand this, just sitting in the middle..
It’s not like I’m ever thinking of a wedding—
No mints printed with our initials, a Tumblr’s worth of TWs.
I just want to believe
bad girls can do good
by me. That ladies like a spray-painted mansion,
elegant exiles,
can succeed under the wing of a humble geek.
Rock and roll will never die,
even if I have to perform CPR on it myself
through the mouth of a girl with safety pins for buttons

Uh, whatever you say.
God only knows
where you got that kink,
but you gotta remember the statistics
of what most likely drives
your average lacquered tomboy.
You could chase the dream, but you don’t want that
exhaustion, that whimsically privileged irresponsibility
of a genderless mistress pissed at cishets,
fishnet-swaddled, rattling on about how
heartbreak perpetuates the patriarchy.
Hold out for a more sensible individual
in clean jeans and modest brunette locks.

And you’ve got the gall to call me misogynistic.
Maybe I’ll just believe whatever helps
me get through another day of interminable midterms
and intersections like demilitarized zones
mid-route to overpriced groceries.
That they’re too good for me.
That I’m better off on my own.
That sex is like carpentry: screw too much
and you’re bound to strip.
I don’t have the luxury of courteous confidence
like you apparently do.

Oh,
dude, if only.
I know it must feel
like your heart is haunted,
a cold spot everyone steps around or screams at.
That’ll get better with age and experience,
I promise.
But the burning butterflies when the right blue eyes meet yours?
The dry tongue tasting out how best to linger
by the punch bowl to break ice?
The invisible walls you erect when you expect to encounter her,
mime-like barriers of the brain and bravado?
Those never really go away—
you just have to temper it, internally
pour cogent water on lava-hot infatuation
until it cools and coalesces
into an obsidian binary: hold or fold.
Maybe not the answer you wanted to hear,
but I’m here
to be honest, not awesome.

Ah, that’s… fine.
I don’t mind. How could I,
after everything I admitted?
Because I realize now
I’ve never been in love with anyone.
Any thing? Sure.
There’s nothing
my heart and mind can covet
like a lenticular Blu-Ray box set
or a collector’s edition Nintendo game,
nothing that captivates my wolf’s mind
and warrior’s spirit like plastic capitalism
and the promise of a shiny new tomorrow.
When you put it all like that, perhaps
I don’t deserve true companionship.

No one does. And that’s what makes it
so wonderful: Because you gotta go
out of your way to make it work.
Romance isn’t wondering and wailing, and it’s not waiting.
It’s walking out the door with your chin up, shoes clean, and eyes open,
and looking like who you want to be
when you consider the mirror between brushstrokes.
And even then, there’s no guarantees.
All the pickup artistry in the world won’t paint over
a canvas of bad timing and mismatched goals.
But opportunity arises best
when you don’t thrive on recycled air.

Fair enough.
I hope I can roll with that.
Guess I’ll see you in a few years?

Fewer than either of us
might like.
Reflection is directing a bullet into the past,
letting brutal clarity ricochet, deafening, around a chamber
of stagnant emotions.
But, it’s the least I could do.
I know you won’t remember it all,
and that’s fine.
Time makes scholars of us all, because
the only way to really learn
is to wish you already had.
Just have some fun while you’re back there, will ya?
For one.

I’ll try.

Make that for two.

New Poem: “She Could (The Second Thing)”

I had a bad knack for unrequited love in college. Who didn’t, right? Still, in times of uncertainty or prolonged anxiety, it’s easy for one’s mind to recline into such memories. Hindsight is 20/20, and so yesterday’s stress can feel enticing simply because reflecting on it gets us closer to a time when things seemed simpler and—for all we know—different decisions could’ve been made.

I know that’s not healthy or wise, though, and so as a kind of warning to myself—both six years past and now—I slowly wrote this over the course of several months. I had a particular individual in mind, but this advice has been generally applicable more times than I’d like to admit. Harsh though it may be, I hope people who’ve been in similar ruts can relate and find some motivation from the sentiments herein. Moving on can be as harsh as you want, so long as you keep the worst of it from hurting anyone.

painting flowers

She Could (The Second Thing)

Okay, so you know
the first thing about her.
Her looks. Her likes.
Her tics and timbre and flair
for the poetic.

But you don’t know
the second thing about her.

She could’ve gone gay, struck
upside the petite head with whatever
metaphorical brick or pixie dust bestows a change
of persuasion in this era of commodified queerness.

She could smoke, weed or Winstons.
Maybe she picked it up from the boyfriend
in the last five years,
or maybe she always did and you never smelled it,
too nasally blinded by the scent of desperate
campus coffeeshop lattes and your own futile hubris.
You don’t want the taste of cremains and skunk cabbage
when you go in for a kiss,
that leafpile crackle of a voice
and papyrus skin by middle age.

She might’ve married already,
carried a hyphenated name and kept it
low key on FB.
Or for that matter, moved out of town.
Not everybody updates ASAP,
and it’s not like you’d get invited
to the ceremony or a housewarming.

She could’ve gone far-left, political
compass frozen at Northwest,
all pink-knit pussy hats and misandrist Cosmo quizzes,
checking privileges like a metermaid at lunch hour.
Another Seattleite brought low
by good intentions and bad optics.

Maybe she gained weight—
social inaction, that Reubenesque rebellion
of modern misfits.
Or grew her hair out.
Got a scar or lost a digit.
See how far shared hobbies get you
when the infatuation isn’t
physical anymore.

Break your porcelain dolls
and walls of echoing expectations:
The songs you stopped listening to;
the porn you stopped hoarding;
the lookalike baristas by whom you stopped awkwardly loitering,
psyching up for eye contact like a flip
off the top turnbuckle.
You abandoned those antique feelings
for a reason.

Just keep her where you left her,
or vice-versa: confession crystallized
in a 2010 flipphone while you watch
a Liam Neeson movie and tell yourself that’s why
your heartbeat’s above 120 BPM.

She’s a person, not a pillow—
some sentient, nonconsensual security blanket.
Make new promises, not break old ones.
Get a grip. Take a hint. Read a headline.
Grab a big glass of water and swallow your pride,
bitter taste be damned.

Return the favor and
leave her alone.

Placeholder Poetry: “Lunacy” (2017)

20170821_183116047_iOS

Technically the moon plus company, but it’s somehow the best photo of a celestial object that my phone has ever taken.

And now, a twofer! Mondays, am I right?

In any event, this here’s a poem I wrote in March 2017 for a small journal’s competition themed around the satellite in question. It didn’t make the cut, but I usually don’t play around with format-based poetry and I like how that turned out, so — stargaze away! (now in meme-able format) :

 

Lunacy - Memeable.png

Poem: “Last Night”

img_5622

Room with one heck of a view.

As a prequel of sorts to yesterday’s post, “First, World,” here’s a poem I put together the evening before the first day of my first “real job” at the end of August. I purposely didn’t post it back then because… well, I just didn’t want to sound like a total pessimist. I figured I’d keep that bittersweet moment’s frustrations to myself, head into the office the next morning with an open mind, and then return to the words with fresh eyes after some time.

And now here we are, in October! Following a review and some light linguistic/structural tweaks, I was pleased to confirm to myself that this piece was still potent as a reflection–that crystallization of thoughts and feelings in a specific time and space, for which I so treasure poetry’s power. It may not be any cheerier than my last upload, but nights inside before big life moments tend to skew nerve-wracking.

How’s work? Well, definitely demanding–and only set to get more so–but I’m pleased to report it’s not yet as dreadful as it felt…

 

Last Night

This is my last night.

Convalescent in comfort:

Ice cream, action scenes, and domino rows of daydreams.

I stand before the mirror on mental razor’s edge,

precipice between pissing around and

the 9-to-5am.

Anything is subsistence living if your standards are high

and your hopes humble.

 

Dinner sits half-dismissed by a tallboy, equally chilled.

This is the free man’s last meal

before prison, isn’t it?

The couch a coffin, the TV’s digital dim a cell door’s welcoming creak.

On the glass tabletop, I envision a prism of discontent:

to family, fractured; to friends, indifferent.

To the ladies, the lawyers? A-okay.

Take it day by day, I say

to myself.

Let no one know how many hours I bought,

least of all me.

 

Because concentration disintegrated seasons ago.

Now, it’s a task to even finish a thriller without

tapping a foot, typing a tweet, rethinking my five-year plan.

That can’t bode well for Day One on the job.

 

So, for now, let me bask in it:

the angular eggshell glow of a lone wall-lamp,

the muffled rumble of rusty Sunday traffic through thick headphones,

the blue hue of my modem, glowering in the media center’s corner

like a punished pupil.

 

If I didn’t listen before it was too late, at least I only missed my own advice.

So little time, so much to waste,

and every second must be accounted for:

what I did, or why I didn’t.

How much longer can I pretend to enjoy my colleagues’ company?

So far, so good, I once smirked,

but likeless Facebook posts speak louder than words.

 

It doesn’t matter now.

That’s how I’ll play the first morning.

Present. Able. Presentable.

Ready and dead, by necessity.

Isn’t that what independence is all about?

Always down,

but never out.

The Bar Prep Poems

IMG_2762

From a rainy day in Buffalo.

I return! While another hiatus from this blog pained me, it was necessary in various ways. First I was studying for the bar exam, then I was taking the bar exam (results pending, could go either way)… and then I spent two weeks abroad for the requisite “barcation”! A trip with family to England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland was just the (plane) ticket; every day was full of exciting moments and Instagram-worthy sights like this:

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A final night near Stratford-Upon-Avon.

But for better or worse, the first of those pictures is more relevant here. For the opening weeks of bar prep, I tried to keep to the Poem-of-the-Week schedule. Eventually, though, my free time didn’t allow for even that, and I was compelled to spend the majority of my time inside nearly all day, nose to the grindstone. Still, I managed to produce a handful of comparatively short poems over a month and a half. Some were, quite honestly, “filler,” but into others I poured with relieving clarity my frustrations about life changes, the prep process, and contemporary world events. For convenience’s sake, I’ve consolidated five of the best “bar prep poems” for this post.

[1] Days

Like a path from campus to a mountain

on the horizon, the only thing separating me

from the past is days.

 

You see me in scenes, a scrapbook clasped shut when backs turn,

but life isn’t a film that ends,

that eclipses with a resolution, then back

on the shelf next to a new time and place

and cast of characters to select,

bound together by glue or gigabytes.

There’s no dividing line between baby teeth and a jaw clenched mid-final

but the one burned by sunsets.

 

So in my head, ten thousand times laid to bed,

I’m still just the kindergartner puzzling over how to count change,

smashing controllers over bad videogames,

screaming atop the stairs when I don’t get my way.

I’m still only the middle-schooler who can’t talk to a crush,

who says gay to complain,

who bullies one boy and punches another sitting down.

I’m surviving high school as I write,

plowing into puberty like a retaining wall,

cradling a pillow when I skip out on the dance,

doodling a dozen would-be book ideas like a whip to ward off the lion of writing them.

Undergrad runs in the background of my mind like a bassline:

Trudging cool Seattle streets alone,

mouthing lines of plaintive pop songs into a smog-lit sky;

always tired, never satisfied.

Sandwiched across square miles

between interchangeable exchange students

and liberal arts darlings who think heartbreak perpetuates the patriarchy.

And higher education still echoes

with every lesson but the ones I paid 100k for:

Nobody actually cares what you do for fun.

If you think they’re too good to be true, you’re right.

Maturity is not taking breaks for weeks straight and still wanting more.

A beautiful view, but no perspective.

 

We can look down that path

and plan a hike.

Boots. Trail mix. A mortgage and diverse portfolio.

Contemplating the climb is tiring enough,

but History isn’t the mountain—

it’s the backpack.

The burden we shrug and slouch under,

of expectations, adulation, admonitions, prescriptions and proscriptions

spilling out of every pouch and zipper.

Every day, every name learned and forgotten,

every skill taught and taken away,

every to-do and what-if determined or discarded—

absent a crack to the head, it’s going nowhere.

Held hostage by memories, there’s no talking down

trying to measure up.

And looking up, to another sunrise

Past the peak,

 

we can shift our legs, try to redistribute the weight—but in vain.

The load only grows,

and this trip, in the end, is solo.

 

[2] Enough

It’s never quite.

Upper back ache, slumped over

the monitor, mind strays—

the key-jangle of studies to come

and Wikipedia search possibilities.

Snap to, for another MCQ,

only to drift again,

shift like the apartment foundation

on leather under summer heat summoning swampass—

as if there’s time for laundry.

 

Preview, view, review,

and still not comprehend it all.

Breaks bend, extend into building a bookshelf

or Swiffering the kitchen.

My mind is a ball on a slight slope, always

in need of nudging to keep it from rolling away.

But I can be distracted by distractions

or by the thought of them;

either way, progress gets put on hold.

 

Surely normal people pay more attention, I say.

Maybe.

Maybe I got this far on charm and chance, a roll of the loaded dice.

Maybe less disciplined parents would’ve put me on Ritalin since middle school.

It’d be cool, in a sense, to pretend my trials are extraordinary,

to install a glass ceiling for my work ethic

and laud those who run across it.

But I have everything I need,

 

for better or worse. The curse

of competence is discontent with just that.

Get a higher percentage. Run another drill.

Reread that sentence. Give me an example.

Every second, an opportunity

to move on, home in, bone up, flesh out,

and doubt, doubt, doubt.

If it turns out I fail, I know who to blame,

 

but it’s the same guy I’ll thank if I win,

until I reach another challenge again.

 

It’s the perfect cycle of panic, a silent fire alarm:

Everything will be okay

as long as I don’t think it will be.

Everything I try will suffice,

as long as I don’t think it’s enough.

 

[3] Catchup

There is confidence in when.

Consecrated delay, a prayer

for the future: another person, inverted

from this one: willing, able, stable.

The invisible blood blister of a torqued shoulderblade

rejuvenated to soft unobtrusiveness;

the paper-eyed dry gaze given a new coat

of sleep, to glaze over anew at the sight

of bullet points and blank lines to fill—

they’ll make more sense tomorrow.

 

Not postponed, just prejudged:

an assumption, wishful unthinking,

that this internet-addled eight-track mind

will digest it like fiber, when experience bangs on a sliding glass door,

mouthing in vain

to prepare for a restless nesting doll

of double-checks and jotted notes.

 

But it can’t all be blamed—we must maintain, whatever break it takes.

Vacuum judiciously. Clean the countertops. Do the dishes.

One wishes for a reason to season the day with chores,

those classic domestic dalliances,

and leave but a peppercorn of practice before bedtime.

All of the withdrawal from a sweaty slump before the computer,

none of the toothache-type guilt

from filling that gap with games.

 

I’ve seen this before,

the weekend’s allure. And sure,

it’s predictable, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same.

Variety is the prize we crank a crane to catch after work,

because that goal won’t come cheap.

But if I can give myself permission to take one evening off,

the rest don’t have to follow.

 

[4] 2016

I know how it feels.

The rush of division.

The high of mighty.

Every catastrophe erupts a pyramid in our midst, and we all tumble down the sides

to make a point with the pain still fresh.

No war without retort anymore,

no riot without secondhand rhetoric,

and the Conversation inflates hate and cowardice until ambiguity asphyxiates.

 

They can’t be blamed.

Terrorism is a natural disaster,

police racing headcases to see who can kill faster,

and so it’s satisfying to put on our passive war paint,

lament the end of humanity and order

from our middle-class palaces.

Pity is mechanical, the sickening cyclical,

as if God ever cared to let hashtags be prayers.

 

But there is peace

in the median, when mean is the mode.

It may not make a great thinkpiece, hitpiece, or placard

thrust aloft in the background of a montage

of martyrs and marauders,

but ambiguity is a luxury long lost.

We can say “ok.” Meh. Maybe. I can see that

both sides have a point, but I’ll sit this one out.

The world has always begged for salvation, sagged at its four corners.

I can all but guarantee the same souls who say “Silence is violence”

crank their earbuds when they pass a homeless person.

 

I understand.

It’s the fear—deep, a hard seed in a bitter fruit—

that the labels we claimed as our base are just ornaments.

That anyone can kiss, kill, donate, or decimate

in the name of a cause we wanted to die (for).

That all we thought was solid is air.

 

It scares us, and so we compare

and contrast: root out the True Scotsmen,

trumpet excuses and exceptions.

Better to err on the side of spiteful

than admit that behind every title,

every Twitter handle or burnished badge, is

a person. Private. Finite. Tired. Trying.

 

We’re lying

when we act like this is as bad as it gets

or as bad as it’s been.

We have the power now to be patient—

to toe the line, keep more than two sides in mind,

and check our facts.

 

I know.

It’s alright.

But this world can still make sense,

if you don’t force it to.

 

[5] I Earn

my inertness.

Tell myself the difference is in the buildup—

a prog rock prelude, not a poppy count-off.

But the end is the same

four chords.

See? Easy enough.

 

Such is hindsight. One’s mind

might perspire—mental hyperventilation—

knuckles digging into bunched-up sweats…

only to lift this skin out of bed and have nothing to hold onto

now that the trial is passed.

 

The perspective, reflected in an invisible thought bubble:

Anyone can play games all day, but I worked for it.

Sure, I can backslide

on diet and discipline,

but at least most folks’ to-do is my back-then.

Burdens buoy me; I tell myself

the effort was there. The obligation was a station

I sat down and refueled at;

not a brick wall I blew through—drive first, take painkillers later.

 

It’s a temperamental tightrope, this balance

between decompression and depression.

A flat affect could be calm or sloth, depending on the audience.

Good thing I’m getting better at social cameras,

though the blooper reel never closes.

 

Don’t tell me I don’t deserve this,

I insist. I could list

everything I went through to get here, but it’s self-imposed.

No more external than drug abuse or loose morals,

just the converse.

Gotta spend money to spend money.

And it’s funny:

 

The less I work, the less there is to work out.

Time decides our priorities for us,

so when I want to do nothing

that matters, the choice falls

to the black-lit sharpened strips of digital time.

 

Let them be

kind.

 

Poem of the Week: Telling Phone

I won’t waste space talking about how significant smartphones are in daily life now, for better or worse. However, with that prevalence, I’ve come to notice certain common signals and phrases they convey can signify much more. Amusing or compelling? You make the call (or text).

tellingphone

 

Telling Phone

Smartphones are the only removable organ

that isn’t vestigial.

We used to read.

We used to dream.

We used to think.

What happened?

Now we just stare

and type.

 

That’s how these poems go,

I suppose.

But technophobia tires.

In this new externalized mind, I find

the best reminders don’t give notifications.

 

Delete all future events.

Personal or professional—a cover closes.

The promise of occupation, docked;

a silent hand stretching into eternity, light-blue to-dos snuffed

like candles a continent away.

What we end today sends soft shockwaves to the future.

 

Ask to join networks.

A pale Post-It note to be known.

The numbers are right in your palm,

so text, message, address.

Put a tie on and try on your best hello,

portfolio in tow—no matter the passion.

Associate is an active verb.

 

Reset Statistics.

A penciled-in schedule of piano ballads,

clickbait binges, and narrowly missed conversations

can add up.

At the first toll, Pavlov’s dogged intent

to stay bent for fear of breaking

into normalcy or nihilism.

But stare down a mirror

and remaster the past,

and how much time you can still unwind will surprise you.

 

Recently Deleted.

Snapshots stockpiled to prove a point

since filed, away.

Desperate headshots, thought better of.

Some moments are paint splattered,

glass shattered: never undone.

But others linger: Bruises,

proving a date’s denouement,

a radical phase’s erasure.

A handheld closet, cleaned out,

still leaves boxes

to soften the edge of our breakthroughs.

 

Update Contacts.

Fetch New Data.

Every so often,

a closed door locks.

Identity’s lineup takes one step to the right

and we proceed: a childhood song forgotten;

certain birthdays unobserved.

Headspace echoes, but not for long.

Friend Requests accepted.

Photo Album uploaded.

Never stop learning, yearning,

and turning: a slow, mental metronome,

with work and worlds opposed.

 

Do Not Disturb.

Low Power Mode.

Everyone deserves a decompression session.

Shutter, blinds-like, the light of obligation

for a spell and a song.

Half-speed for a hoarse heart

and a brain like a PC in overdrive.

And when those windows chunk-chunk open again,

the breeze feels like progress.

Not every day can punch forward,

but some can always kick back.

 

Hide Traffic.
Use True North.

Focus.

I know it’s hard to find

a wall for your awards

when so many corners scream for attention.

The Nietzchean beauty of webcam celebrity,

of viral stars soon to supernova,

of girls with green hair and raccoon eyeshadow—

stare into the amiss long enough,

and a million-to-one shot comes off

as the best bet.

The prospect of apocalypse

from either side of the ozone;

tending to the ending but still paying rent on time.

A symphonic centrifuge

of changing tunes

that pushes away as it straddles you in place.

But you have the tools, if you want to

look for them.

Zoning out or in, paint that target

Day-Glo and go hunting.

If life is binary, divided

into an eternity of switches,

stay green.

The pressure’s necessary,

but it takes a thumbs-up

to power on.