Room with one heck of a view.
As a prequel of sorts to yesterday’s post, “First, World,” here’s a poem I put together the evening before the first day of my first “real job” at the end of August. I purposely didn’t post it back then because… well, I just didn’t want to sound like a total pessimist. I figured I’d keep that bittersweet moment’s frustrations to myself, head into the office the next morning with an open mind, and then return to the words with fresh eyes after some time.
And now here we are, in October! Following a review and some light linguistic/structural tweaks, I was pleased to confirm to myself that this piece was still potent as a reflection–that crystallization of thoughts and feelings in a specific time and space, for which I so treasure poetry’s power. It may not be any cheerier than my last upload, but nights inside before big life moments tend to skew nerve-wracking.
How’s work? Well, definitely demanding–and only set to get more so–but I’m pleased to report it’s not yet as dreadful as it felt…
Last Night
This is my last night.
Convalescent in comfort:
Ice cream, action scenes, and domino rows of daydreams.
I stand before the mirror on mental razor’s edge,
precipice between pissing around and
the 9-to-5am.
Anything is subsistence living if your standards are high
and your hopes humble.
Dinner sits half-dismissed by a tallboy, equally chilled.
This is the free man’s last meal
before prison, isn’t it?
The couch a coffin, the TV’s digital dim a cell door’s welcoming creak.
On the glass tabletop, I envision a prism of discontent:
to family, fractured; to friends, indifferent.
To the ladies, the lawyers? A-okay.
Take it day by day, I say
to myself.
Let no one know how many hours I bought,
least of all me.
Because concentration disintegrated seasons ago.
Now, it’s a task to even finish a thriller without
tapping a foot, typing a tweet, rethinking my five-year plan.
That can’t bode well for Day One on the job.
So, for now, let me bask in it:
the angular eggshell glow of a lone wall-lamp,
the muffled rumble of rusty Sunday traffic through thick headphones,
the blue hue of my modem, glowering in the media center’s corner
like a punished pupil.
If I didn’t listen before it was too late, at least I only missed my own advice.
So little time, so much to waste,
and every second must be accounted for:
what I did, or why I didn’t.
How much longer can I pretend to enjoy my colleagues’ company?
So far, so good, I once smirked,
but likeless Facebook posts speak louder than words.
It doesn’t matter now.
That’s how I’ll play the first morning.
Present. Able. Presentable.
Ready and dead, by necessity.
Isn’t that what independence is all about?
Always down,
but never out.
—
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